Midnight Meanderings

     It's currently 3.15am and I've been awake for just over an hour. Sipping a cup of tea - Camomile & Rooibos (in case you were interested!) - and watching a Torah teaching.

    As I usually do when I wake up in the middle of the night, I prayed for my mother, my children, some sick people and read Psalm 91 for them. I read Tikkun HaKlali - a selection of 10 Psalms - and as the kettle was boiling, I asked HaShem what He would like me to do now. So here I am, writing a blog.

    The teaching I'm watching at this early hour covers several topics. The last one mentioned was "What is the purpose of your existence?" - always a good question to consider.

    At this stage of my life, I realise that every morning I wake up, every breath I take, every beat of my heart, is ordained by the Master of the Universe. And if I am still here, it means He still has stuff for me to do. The details of that stuff change from day to day, but the basic concepts are constant, now that I have come to understand what they are.

    As I came into the Jewish understanding of my faith so late in life, I didn't have the opportunity to raise my children in the ways of the Torah - or even live my life according to it. By the time it became apparent to me that this is how we are called to live, I was already almost at the end of my working career - well, in the marketplace, anyway.

    Living alone, I've had to seek HaShem's guidance on how to best live out my remaining years for His glory. I am in a very unique situation, in which I see very few people for long periods of time. Putting this together with a growing awareness that I need to be active in the community created quite a challenge. 

    But HaShem has been amazing. I am blessed to pray with friends online every day, sometimes twice a day. We do Torah study the same way. The other important aspect of my life is working on my relationship with God - as we are instructed in the Brit HaChadashah - "to work out our salvation with fear and trembling".

    What does this look like? Well, it entails a lot of introspection. The Bedtime Sh'ma certainly helps, as it causes one to go over the day and see what you did well and what you could have done better, where you failed and where you succeeded. It leads to repentance and that always leads to better relationships between people and between ourselves and the LORD, if we are humble enough to apologise and seek forgiveness. That is easy for me to do, fortunately. Sometimes people tell me I'm over-sensitive, but it's really just a case of me wanting to keep my heart clean before HaShem.

    I am far from rested out for the night, so I will soon put my head back on the pillow and see if HaShem will allow me another couple of hours of sleep.

    Should I say "Goodnight" or "Good morning"? I'm not sure, but whatever you do today, make the most of it and appreciate another day of life that has been granted to you. Always seek the will of God in your life and you will find peace.

Till next time, may be you be blessed:)