Chesbon Nefesh

 

    I have recently returned from a visit to my grandson in PE. The 72 hours of sadness remain a fact of life. It was a wonderful visit and his parents were so kind and considerate towards me. I was able to teach the few classes I had as well as attend some of the usual prayer meetings. It was a blessing.

    I would call down the passage to ask after his well-being while walking towards him and kissing his hair when I got there. I hugged him multiple times a day and told him I love him. This was only my 2nd visit to his new home. How blessed I was to be so close to him for so long.

    We walked to the local shop a few times. On our last morning together we bought some Chappies and we sat together on the sofa while he opened and ate them, reading the fun facts on the papers to me. We learned some interesting things together. 

    We played with his dogs, Brandy and Patches. I watched him play games on his PC. We did some walking, some chilling, some hugging. What a wonderful few days. Tonight marks the 4th day that I've been home and I still miss being able to walk into his room and give him a squeeze. The good news is I get to video call him for a few minutes every evening to say the goodnight prayers together. And I will see him again, God willing.

    This day has passed peacefully and productively. I had disturbed sleep last night and so woke up for the final time a bit later than usual. But Baruch HaShem I managed to prepare all my lessons for the week - only 5 this week. I have also lost a couple of students - one whose mom said her son wasn't putting in the work and his marks had dropped so they were cancelling all his tutoring; and the other one was retrenched. Most of my school students only come back next week. Trusting HaShem for parnasa is not new for me.

    I prayed Mincha and Ma'ariv with a friend and afterwards we watched a teaching on the Parasha Balaq - fascinating. We learned what it meant when Bilaam told Balaq that he could not do anything great or small! There is so much hidden treasure in the Torah!

    I took a Torah class with Rabbi Mathias Thomsom of JewishEyes.org on Va'etchanan and, as usual, learned a lot.

    As I do most days, I wonder if I've done enough? Have I completed the tasks HaShem set for me to do today? Or have I missed a couple, or a few? How many things have I got wrong?

    One thing I am learning is that I must learn to talk less. Many words can so easily lead to misunderstandings and even sin. I spent Shabbat alone and didn't talk to anyone, not even to myself. I only prayed Mincha prayers. I'm sure I said a few words here and there (to myself) but mostly I think I succeeded in doing a partial Ta'anit Dibur. I will try again on another Shabbat to do better. There's healing in silence.

    When I spoke to my grandson tonight he didn't seem especially happy - and that always makes my heart sore. So when I set about studying for a class on Wednesday, I dedicated my learning to him and to all my children. As I finished up a few minutes ago, I found I was in shalom. Thank You God.

    I have recently learned that fruit is the best food for us to eat and I am excited about planting a couple more fruit trees - early red apple and golden delicious - I am getting bare-rooted trees from an Heirloom supplier - if I can find big enough pots for them in time - otherwise I will have to wait till next year - we only have a 2 week window.

    An exciting surprise was when I opened the fridge earlier and found that my quince seeds have sprouted! 

    As I look inside my heart to see if there is anything I did wrong today, I can't think of anything specific but I'm sure there are some blemishes somewhere. It's late and I will shortly say the bedtime Sh'ma and the Viduy, trusting that I will sleep in shalom and wake up tomorrow to say the Modah Ani again. I am so grateful for every day the LORD gives me. That my body parts still work. That I have breath. That my heart beats. That I belong to Him.

Layla Tov