Tikkun

 I have been struggling with aloneness for most of my adult life. In the early years, it was loneliness, until the Almighty Himself told me "You'll never be lonely again, I am always right beside you, always right inside you."

    Truly, my loneliness disappeared that night, for a very long time, only to resurface years later as the experience of being ALONE.

    Since my children have all left home, 6 years going on 7, and since I no longer go out to work anymore, my world has become very self-contained - a typical day for me does not include seeing, in the flesh, any living soul. I have always been a peoples person, but I tried to fit into this new aspect that I find myself in, believing that God knows what is best for me.

    I was encouraged by a Torah teacher that at our age, we should be active in the community. My ears and my heart perked up at this idea and I began to pray and learn with other ladies who are also alone - all on Zoom, as I do not drive anymore. Apart from that, there are not many people around where I live that believe like I do. Once or twice a year I will still visit some of my Christian friends who I have known for nearly 20 years and I am grateful for that.

    I often wish my children would think of popping in for coffee or tea or supper or lunch more often - but I know they are busy with their own lives and I am grateful for the times that I do get to visit with them.

    Earlier today I began to think about how being alone, even during the years my children were growing up, has followed me for so many years. I wondered - not for the first time - if this was perhaps the tikkun I needed to do for sins I had committed. How could I know for sure if this is how God required me to make up for past mistakes? 

    I went online and typed my question in. One of the first things that came up was a 12-minute video by Jeremy Gimpel - How Do You Find Out What Your Tikkun Is - here is the link:

https://www.google.com/search?q=what+does+tikkun+look+like&oq=what+does+tikkun+look+like&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIHCAEQIRigATIHCAIQIRiPAtIBCTE0NjA1ajBqNKgCALACAQ&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:f3a279e0,vid:LJBVC0YhchI,st:0

    Watch it and see what you think. I will watch it again until I understand how to do the needed soul-searching.

    In the meantime, if I have ever done or said anything, or failed to do or say anything, or spoken or acted in a hurtful manner towards you, or that you consider is a sin against you, please come to me and tell me so I can apologise and repent. In this way, you will help me gain success in my personal rectification of things. This is what is meant by "Do not hate your brother (or sister) in  your heart." - Leviticus 19:17. Rather, come and tell the person you feel has wronged you so they have an opportunity to make things right.

I have no idea how long this process will take, but I am definitely going to give it my best shot and, Bezrat HaShem, I will be able to make all the amends I need to.

Kadima, Penny!